Started my mini stocktake this week and already found few items, milk powder tins included MISSING !! #$%^@!~!@##~@#? really really kek sim...
So, we did this in the shop and stick it in "hotspot" areas..
Something has been part of my heart, part of my life, I didnt share with many. And I guess it's time for me to let go of it:)
I was at a very low pit last Friday. One of the few times my tears flowed almost unceasingly and uncontrollably. Prior to that, I was not doing well already and I just refused help. I refused to go to the Word. I refused to pray. I refused to seek help. I refused to be comforted and strengthened. I just wanted to dwell in the situation. Just didnt want to be picked up again. Hated and condemned myself. Cant seem to find my self worth, worth being in this world, lest having to add any value to it. 'No wonder ppl'd commit suicide', I thought to myself. Cos it just seemed the easiest way out to end one's misery. Wished God would just take me away and vanish me from the earth. This would be a cycle occuring quite consistently every 1-2 months, sometimes shorter, sometimes longer period. Haha I could actually blame the 'aunty' who visits me monthly.
At noon, I was contemplating whether to go to CF. I went at last and while walking, 3 words rang in my ears, 'I need prayer'. And I met the right persons there who offered their listening ears, tissue papers ;) and prayers. A Psy opinion was given and I was diagnosed as LLPPD - pre-menses emotional distress. If not careful, the distressing and depressing period can become chronic ie becoming depressed continuously. It's multifactorial - hormonal changes, current stress level, personality and childhood upbringing.
I was alone in the office after work and continued crying. Then, something led me to reaching the bible. Finally a time of rejoicing and liberation took place. That it dawns on me on what true righteousness is. Lord did not ask of me where I came from, what I could do, what I know, what I am capable of and what I have achieved. It is not how much compassion I show. How much I could serve. How clever I am. How efficient I am. How useful I am. But He asks of my trust in Him. ‘Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness - Romans 4:3’. He asks of my faith in Him. Which I wavered. Which I doubted. Which I refused to believe. How much fear I have in myself? How inconfident I am in myself? How low I was in the pit? Lord says, 'Will you not trust me for once? Will you not let go of your hands from the railing and let me carry you? To bring you greater places? Will you not trust me? Who I am in your life if the trust is so shallow. As good as nothing. No need at all'. What is the greatness of God if all have been done.
He picked me up once again. Thank you Lord. I could see the light again. He said ‘Be strong and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the Lord's temple is finished - 1 Chronicles 28'. He chose the young and inexperienced Soloman to build his house. And many others who are handicapped. Yet he said it is not my works He asks of. But faith, as precious as a refined jewel, more precious than gold. Nothing should separate me from the love of God. The gap should become smaller between God and I. So much so that it becomes easier to trust Him. To just come to Him. To plainly trust. Lord would you help me to overcome this...:)
It's still an ongoing battle to fight the evil one. But knowing the victory has already given to those who believe in Him on the cross, peace that surpasses all understanding reigns in my heart..to Him be all glory unto:)
-lai2-
i've been on leave for a week and i believe that most of u all think that it's more than enough. u know what?? i still got lots of stuffs to do... i have no time to breath..haha..
it's really hectic..
the above paragraph is written by me the day before my wedding...
i was throwing tantrum at my family members b4 the wedding and during the day. it's because no one is able to help me...instead, i need to take care of them, need to arrange transports and accomodations for the relatives..i need to arrange make-up artists for my family and my in-laws..too much..
my dad called me on thursday nite and i was shouted at him coz i couldn't hear him thru my hp. immediately, he asked my sis to go to pavillion to buy me a new Hp.. when he past me the hp at nite after i reach home, i was so touch and i cried..i regretted for being so rude.
during my wedding day, everything was going on smoothly..there were lots of hiccups but i wasn't particular.. i really enjoy the day.. it's the day given by GOD.. and i truly appreciate it. . i am so glad to see my parents and parents-in-laws happily walking around, talking to the relatives and their close friends...
now i am happily staying in kota kemuning with kong wah. i am reading the book given by yinkey and am sincerely praying for kw. i pray that he will take the initiative to care about his health, to change his diet.. i want to spend many many anniversaries with him..=)
Beautychock*
I guess it is time for me to have some input here. So i thought of writing loneliness vs hecticness.
I have been away from home for many years. This is already the sixth consecutive years. I have always been thinking, how much have I missed out throughout all these years? I couldn't stay by my parents side to spend more time with them; to be a good and responsible daughter and to at least do the minimal. At times when I think of my grandma who is now at her old age I couldn't stop my heart aches and my tears flowing.
The situation is a lot better now as my dad has started talking to him and my mum no longer shed tears while having family dinner. The worst seemed to be in history. I am grateful for this.
Because of logistic's issue I couldn't attend sushi and beautychock's weddings. And obviously I have missed out a lot on other things. This part of my heart always feels very lonely. I couldn't find any friends who would understand and support me as you would. Something is lacking. It obviously doesn't help when he has to travel so much. Almost during every overseas conversation I have asked him similar questions over and over again to reinstate my presence. I would throw tantrums if he didn't call me back when he said he would. I couldn't sleep all night and kept waking up every hour to check on my phone to see if there is any message or missed calls. I would become so upset and it was never easy. There was no one to talk to and to keep me accompanied. There was no way to express the emotion. At times i feel like i have chronic mild depression.
It is ironic as I am living in London, one of the busiest city in the world. There are so much to do! Sightseeing, museums and gallery, shopping, musical and theatres etc. But it was no point to do things alone. I think i am already doing a great job by dining in the restaurants all by myself and then catching some movies alone. Not too many people could envisage such situation. It wasn't for a short time. It is almost 3 years now, and it is still on-going. In the morning i urge myself to walk a little quicker so that i could reach office a little earlier. During work i told myself to run up and down a bit faster so that i could finish my work earlier. I even had to chew faster during lunch so that I could go back to work asap. It is busy and pre-occupied on the outside but empty inside me.
I am coping, I will keep trying and I will.
Baba*beibei
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