Loneliness vs Hecticness

I guess it is time for me to have some input here. So i thought of writing loneliness vs hecticness.

I have been away from home for many years. This is already the sixth consecutive years. I have always been thinking, how much have I missed out throughout all these years? I couldn't stay by my parents side to spend more time with them; to be a good and responsible daughter and to at least do the minimal. At times when I think of my grandma who is now at her old age I couldn't stop my heart aches and my tears flowing.

The situation is a lot better now as my dad has started talking to him and my mum no longer shed tears while having family dinner. The worst seemed to be in history. I am grateful for this.

Because of logistic's issue I couldn't attend sushi and beautychock's weddings. And obviously I have missed out a lot on other things. This part of my heart always feels very lonely. I couldn't find any friends who would understand and support me as you would. Something is lacking. It obviously doesn't help when he has to travel so much. Almost during every overseas conversation I have asked him similar questions over and over again to reinstate my presence. I would throw tantrums if he didn't call me back when he said he would. I couldn't sleep all night and kept waking up every hour to check on my phone to see if there is any message or missed calls. I would become so upset and it was never easy. There was no one to talk to and to keep me accompanied. There was no way to express the emotion. At times i feel like i have chronic mild depression.

It is ironic as I am living in London, one of the busiest city in the world. There are so much to do! Sightseeing, museums and gallery, shopping, musical and theatres etc. But it was no point to do things alone. I think i am already doing a great job by dining in the restaurants all by myself and then catching some movies alone. Not too many people could envisage such situation. It wasn't for a short time. It is almost 3 years now, and it is still on-going. In the morning i urge myself to walk a little quicker so that i could reach office a little earlier. During work i told myself to run up and down a bit faster so that i could finish my work earlier. I even had to chew faster during lunch so that I could go back to work asap. It is busy and pre-occupied on the outside but empty inside me.

I am coping, I will keep trying and I will.

Baba*beibei