Part of me...no longer:)

Something has been part of my heart, part of my life, I didnt share with many. And I guess it's time for me to let go of it:)

I was at a very low pit last Friday. One of the few times my tears flowed almost unceasingly and uncontrollably. Prior to that, I was not doing well already and I just refused help. I refused to go to the Word. I refused to pray. I refused to seek help. I refused to be comforted and strengthened. I just wanted to dwell in the situation. Just didnt want to be picked up again. Hated and condemned myself. Cant seem to find my self worth, worth being in this world, lest having to add any value to it. 'No wonder ppl'd commit suicide', I thought to myself. Cos it just seemed the easiest way out to end one's misery. Wished God would just take me away and vanish me from the earth. This would be a cycle occuring quite consistently every 1-2 months, sometimes shorter, sometimes longer period. Haha I could actually blame the 'aunty' who visits me monthly.

At noon, I was contemplating whether to go to CF. I went at last and while walking, 3 words rang in my ears, 'I need prayer'. And I met the right persons there who offered their listening ears, tissue papers ;) and prayers. A Psy opinion was given and I was diagnosed as LLPPD - pre-menses emotional distress. If not careful, the distressing and depressing period can become chronic ie becoming depressed continuously. It's multifactorial - hormonal changes, current stress level, personality and childhood upbringing.

I was alone in the office after work and continued crying. Then, something led me to reaching the bible. Finally a time of rejoicing and liberation took place. That it dawns on me on what true righteousness is. Lord did not ask of me where I came from, what I could do, what I know, what I am capable of and what I have achieved. It is not how much compassion I show. How much I could serve. How clever I am. How efficient I am. How useful I am. But He asks of my trust in Him. ‘Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness - Romans 4:3’. He asks of my faith in Him. Which I wavered. Which I doubted. Which I refused to believe. How much fear I have in myself? How inconfident I am in myself? How low I was in the pit? Lord says, 'Will you not trust me for once? Will you not let go of your hands from the railing and let me carry you? To bring you greater places? Will you not trust me? Who I am in your life if the trust is so shallow. As good as nothing. No need at all'. What is the greatness of God if all have been done.

He picked me up once again. Thank you Lord. I could see the light again. He said ‘Be strong and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the Lord's temple is finished - 1 Chronicles 28'. He chose the young and inexperienced Soloman to build his house. And many others who are handicapped. Yet he said it is not my works He asks of. But faith, as precious as a refined jewel, more precious than gold. Nothing should separate me from the love of God. The gap should become smaller between God and I. So much so that it becomes easier to trust Him. To just come to Him. To plainly trust. Lord would you help me to overcome this...:)

It's still an ongoing battle to fight the evil one. But knowing the victory has already given to those who believe in Him on the cross, peace that surpasses all understanding reigns in my heart..to Him be all glory unto:)

-lai2-